24 January 1986 – death of L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology

When L Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, used to write a pet advice column…


Dear L Hubbard,

My cat, who used to be very friendly and affectionate, has become snooty and superior. Although his name is Skeebles, he now only answers to Greystoke Havisham and he refuses to eat anything other than export quality pickled herring from The Netherlands.

Do you know a good supplier of pickled herring?

Cat-Lover of Tallahassee


Dear Cat-Lover of Tallahassee,

While everybody assumes that cats – naturally prone to thinking of themselves as celebrities – would make great scientologists, this is rarely the case in fact. They won’t sit still to have the e-meter fitted for one thing.

More importantly, they are all over the tone scale. I once came across a cat, pre-clear, a house-cat, you understand? Never did a lick of work in all its days. It’s perched right at the top of the tone scale for present experience, you know? Right up at 4.0, experiencing present time as pleasure non-stop. You almost got to envy the darn thing.

Then you look a little closer and you start to wonder. One moment it’s full of excitement and exhilaration, right at the tippy-top of the tone scale, because some bird has got into the apartment and he’s thinking of how – in his own very direct, precise and forthright way – he’ll be messing with that bird soon and separating it into all of its tiny bird parts to see how it ticks. And then having a scrumptious little meal as a bonus. You know, a cat is nothing if not full of doingness, causativeness, at a moment like that.

But his owner, you know, not clear, not Operating Thetan, barely even at 1.1 on the tone scale, exhibiting complete lack of interest or intention, he just shoo-s that old bird out of the door with a broom. Leaves the cat swinging in the breeze. And that cat, which you thought was so self-contained, so free of blockages, suddenly plummets on the tone scale and is now all unexpressed resentment and hostility. Right down around 1.1, maybe 1.0 come to that.

So that cat is going to enturbulate his owner. He’s now got a set of vicious hidden intents towards the owner – and he’s looking at inflicting a whole new set of engrams on him you know. Tripping him up as he walks to the lounge with his cup of coffee, leaving half a rodent right next to the dining table, barfing under the bed. That guy’s going to need a lot of auditing.

So, make sure to buy my book, Dianetics: The Evolution of a Science for more help.


Dear Doctor Hibbard,

My chameleon won’t change colour. He just sits next to a stick in the terrarium and glares at me. I’m starting to wonder if the guy at the shop has sold me an iguana or something.



Dear concerned,

What do you want out of your chameleon? Colour changes? Are you kidding? Once that chameleon is Operating Thetan – willing and knowing cause over life, matter, energy, space and time – changing colour is the least of what he’ll be capable of. Even if he is an iguana.

You really should buy my book, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health to move that lizard towards Clear.


Dear Elron,

My daughter collects bugs in a jar. She’s had a caterpillar in a cocoon stuck in there for nearly 8 months and it still hasn’t turned into a butterfly. I just don’t know how to answer her constant questions, “When is it going to turn into a beautiful butterfly?” “How beautiful is the butterfly going to be?” “Do butterflies always take this long?” Is it a butterfly yet?” and it’s breaking my heart.

What should I do?

Trevor Schnagel


Dear Milwaukee,

Ho boy, here we go. You’ve got comms lags and ARC breaks all over the place. That’s Affinity, Reality & Communication since you’re obviously pretty out of touch. If you want that butterfly to emerge, you’re going to need to take control of the situation. You’ve already got the havingness. The caterpillar’s already in the jar, you know? Now you’re going to need to show a bit of doingness. Giving clear, precise commands, you need to make sure that your communication impulses or particles are delivered straight from you – the source-point – to that cocoon – the receipt-point. Keep repeating those commands until the comms lag has been stabilised and you’re starting to see some duplication, some response from the cocoon. Otherwise you won’t bridge that distance for the effect you’re after, which is, let me remind you, a beautiful new butterfly in the jar.

Now maybe you’re something less than a five-goal Clear and you don’t think you’ve got the wherewithal to run an ARC Straightwire on that reluctant caterpillar, but I think you’ll find my book, Scientology: The Fundamentals of Thought invaluable here.

As for your daughter, that girl has serious problems. I have no idea what you can do with her.

File under: avuncular agony aunt | doctor doolittle remixed

(Image source: telegraph.co.uk)

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